Here lies a girl with mud in her eyes with her useless thighs.

I cried out in the pain of my dark night for mercy.

He told me, "Love yourself."

I promised myself that this year , i will be better. So since its have a year gone, i thought i would ponder on it whether did i really keep my promise?

i am not sure if i really did keep my promise to a 100% but i am sure its more that 50% and there's a really big change and i am better now.

I believe that there was a time i was so rebellious , and i smoke and i used to not go home and hate my parents and wouldnt give a shit thinking that all the "sisters" i have will really help me when i am in need but all this proved me wrong . Slowly i start to realise , where can i go like this, are those people really true friends as they said, and most importantly , was i truly happy?

was i happy getting caught , scolded , getting into detention all the time ,wasting my YOUTH , over all these things that is so not worth it ?

where is the me , the little girl with the brown eyes who used to make stupid little jokes and the little girl who was always trying to be her best. The little girl who was always there with her family , the girl that her mum proud of ?

She was gone . totally gone .

And there was a period of time i dont even talk to my parents at all .

there was nothing to discuss , they gave up on me.

And slowly , i started to realise , i am not truly happy.

i prefer having my parents with me than those plastic friends . i really prefer to do what i like, not what people expect me to do. Like how they expect me to wear this , to do this , and i cannot listen to indie , cause i would be a total freak in the clique .

I wasnt really happy. i am just rotting myself away.

and than , i told myself , i am really sick of this . all i am getting from this is misery and more heavy weight on my shoulders.

The process of changing is really hard . Truly . the aftermath is not that important than the process of changing . You have to really go for it . Avoid all the temptations , stop yourself .

and than during this process , you will truly learn and shape up who you are actually and who you will be.

i'm really happy with myself that i did it .

Truly proud . I am really happy with myself now.

but now i have another upfronting task of finding true friends .

there are friends who you think are true friends but they're not.

and yeah , thats what happening to me .

but i found one friend or some . And i have a few from primary school .

i think thats all i need . and those that i thought 'were' my friend.

i just dont wanna hang with them anymore .

Maybe i am in the phase where i am finding true friends that i am comfortable with .

Bout love, i will not rush and just wait till the time is right and find someone truly where i can be myself with.

You're happier now my girl . Truly.